This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
You Might Also Like
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
I laughed at this way too hard.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.