My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
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Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop