In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
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How to properly lift a body
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course