Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
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There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
A dad and his duck
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet