Sounds like a bargain
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I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
ACED my prostate exam!
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit