I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
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[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.