2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
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I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
So sick of all these stupid rules
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”