My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
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I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Where is your GOD now????
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.