Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
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I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
My blood type is b hungry.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?