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My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
“you changed” bro i was 15
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.