The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
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a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary