If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
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I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.