The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
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Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us