*jazz hands*
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*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Everyone’s family
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Dune (2021)
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah