Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
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HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Hamburger Hinderer.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.