[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
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Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that