Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
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If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I love wikipedia
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.