Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
You Might Also Like
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
The asteroid..
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.