[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
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What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.