I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
You Might Also Like
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
You saw nothing. I am ham.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Breaking news: