*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
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In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Pizza is an emotion right?
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
he looks great for his age
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Yes, but it was never about money
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.