GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
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You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?