My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
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OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.