The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
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STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
so this horse walks into a bar
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”