When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
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I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything