Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
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“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.