Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
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[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.