Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
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I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Sending in my taxes
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?