Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
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The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.