Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
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He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it