“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
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Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family