Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
You Might Also Like
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8