when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
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Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other