when the doctor brings med students into your exam
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Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral