Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
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LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
True
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word