“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
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God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off