Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
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A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer