Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
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The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??