It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
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[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Children of the corn 🌽
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing