“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
You Might Also Like
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together