Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
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The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’