We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
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I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.