My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
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If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
If only.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.