Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
You Might Also Like
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony