It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
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Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
👾👾👾
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?