*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
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*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
The best plant holders?
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
⚠️ Important Reminder:
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it