toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
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geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Happy thanksgiving!
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”