So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
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I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
mood
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.