Current mood: Potato
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My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?