Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
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He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.